Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Randomize
