She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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