dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
