Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
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