College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
