your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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