so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
