my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I deserve this hangover.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
