hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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