You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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