No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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