my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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