dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
