he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Alive.
So much puke
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
