Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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