I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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