Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
