Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
