did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
