WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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