Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
