I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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