Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
