No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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