I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
