There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
