I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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