I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
If I die, sorry about rent.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You left your phone here
Wait...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
