Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
