i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Randomize
