I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
