I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
