Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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