He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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