Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
