Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
