What did we do last night that was yellow?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
