I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I don't deserve a penis
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
