i think i have two assholes
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
