She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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