so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
