And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
