she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Randomize
