hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
