She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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