My liver just broke up with me...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
