So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
