You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
