My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
