I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize