apparently the secret to your success is patron
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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