He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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