I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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