i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
