i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
