Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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